There is an African proverb that goes, "There are two things over which you have complete dominion: authority and control of your mind and your mouth"
We all have people that we consider authorities in our lives. If we are having computer trouble, we go to our tech help, who we consider to be authorities in technology. If we have spiritual or faith questions, we may go to our pastor, or priest and seek their council since we consider them authorities on the matter of spiritual things.
Having authorities in our lives is simply a way of making our lives easier to manage. There is just not enough time to learn everything about everything, although I'm sure we all know a few people who may think they already do. So we relegate certain areas of knowledge to be handled by people we deem most capable.
That comes with one substantial presumption. It presumes that the conclusions our authorities make are accurate. But sometimes, try as they may, our authorities may just be plain wrong.
While talking on both sides of the issue of conservative faith and gay partnership, one of the first things that I often have to help people consider is whether their authorities on the matter are correct. Both sides can be quick to make the presumption that their leaders have actually studied the issue and that their conclusions on the matter are well informed. That is not always the case.
In the end, there is no one to blame but ourselves for what we believe, what we say, and what we do. Often times, we have to take a little initiative and study the issue, investigating alternative opinions. Then... question our authorities!
And don't worry about those authorities who may protest your questions. As the french philosopher, Michel de Montaigne stated, “He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak.”
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
To Whom To Listen
Winston Churchill once stated, "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to be silent and listen. And by listen, I mean actively listening. Listening is more than just the absense of talking, it means participating in what someone is saying by considering the perspective they are sharing, thinking about what it would be like in their context, and reflecting back on what they are saying.
Listening to someone you agree with is no big challenge. It's those who we consider "other" than ourselves, those who disagree with our perspective, beliefs, or ideas. They are the ones who make listening a courageous act, as Churchill puts it. Sometimes, listening is more about who you are listening to, than it is about just listening.
As I continue to meet with fellow people and pastors from more conservative leanings in their faith I am amazed at how often their perspective of gay people comes from someone who does not even know, talk to, or have any direct contact with gay people at all. So when I ask them, "Have you actually talked with a gay person about what it is like? Have you asked them, what do you think about the current conservative faith perspective on the issue?" Often times I find that they simply have never asked these questions, and understandably so...they are hard questions and will definitely illicit a response.
Still, on the other side, many gay persons, refuse to talk to anyone of a conservative faith. Many are still hurting from the oppression and ostracization they may have experienced, and understandably so.
It difficult to set aside emotion, to set aside the presumption of what is expected to be heard and begin to truly listen to someone from whom you expect animosity. Speaking as one who can identify with both camps, to again quote Churchill, "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to be silent and listen. And by listen, I mean actively listening. Listening is more than just the absense of talking, it means participating in what someone is saying by considering the perspective they are sharing, thinking about what it would be like in their context, and reflecting back on what they are saying.
Listening to someone you agree with is no big challenge. It's those who we consider "other" than ourselves, those who disagree with our perspective, beliefs, or ideas. They are the ones who make listening a courageous act, as Churchill puts it. Sometimes, listening is more about who you are listening to, than it is about just listening.
As I continue to meet with fellow people and pastors from more conservative leanings in their faith I am amazed at how often their perspective of gay people comes from someone who does not even know, talk to, or have any direct contact with gay people at all. So when I ask them, "Have you actually talked with a gay person about what it is like? Have you asked them, what do you think about the current conservative faith perspective on the issue?" Often times I find that they simply have never asked these questions, and understandably so...they are hard questions and will definitely illicit a response.
Still, on the other side, many gay persons, refuse to talk to anyone of a conservative faith. Many are still hurting from the oppression and ostracization they may have experienced, and understandably so.
It difficult to set aside emotion, to set aside the presumption of what is expected to be heard and begin to truly listen to someone from whom you expect animosity. Speaking as one who can identify with both camps, to again quote Churchill, "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
Monday, July 12, 2010
Question Your Assumptions
Webster's defines the word assume as "to take as granted or true."
We all take things for granted in this life. It's just part of making the day to day part of life easier to process. It's a simplification of the world around us into defaults that we can generally assume to be true. None of us want to spend our day having to think through each and every minute event. We'd never get anything done. So we begin to make assumptions about who we will talk to, what people will think about us, and what is acceptable for us to do socially.
The problem arises when those general assumptions, which we use to simplify our life, find themselves surrounded by a context that no longer works. Those assumptions that we use to simplify our lives into easy categories, become quickly useless, and in many ways harmful.
Much of the complication surrounding the writing of my recently release book, "Over Coffee: A Conversation for Gay Partnership & Conservative Faith," centered around the problem of assumptions. From the conservative faith side, many have made negative assumptions about gay persons. Because being gay is so often presented in light of the media's portrayal, conservatives often do not realize that there are a number of gay persons who simply don't fit those assumptions. There are many gay people who are monogamously partnered, church going, active and contributing members of our society.
On the other side, there are many in the gay community who have made negative assumptions about people who have a more conservative faith. However, there are conservative people who are compassionate, welcoming, and affirming, but who are often drowned out as a result of the minority of conservatives who continue to make assumptions.
Today, consider taking some time to reflect on others around you and ask yourself if you are making assumptions about them. And don't assume anything. The best solution is to begin to talk.
And don't worry about differences, as Anne Wilson Schaef put it, "Differences challenge assumptions."
We all take things for granted in this life. It's just part of making the day to day part of life easier to process. It's a simplification of the world around us into defaults that we can generally assume to be true. None of us want to spend our day having to think through each and every minute event. We'd never get anything done. So we begin to make assumptions about who we will talk to, what people will think about us, and what is acceptable for us to do socially.
The problem arises when those general assumptions, which we use to simplify our life, find themselves surrounded by a context that no longer works. Those assumptions that we use to simplify our lives into easy categories, become quickly useless, and in many ways harmful.
Much of the complication surrounding the writing of my recently release book, "Over Coffee: A Conversation for Gay Partnership & Conservative Faith," centered around the problem of assumptions. From the conservative faith side, many have made negative assumptions about gay persons. Because being gay is so often presented in light of the media's portrayal, conservatives often do not realize that there are a number of gay persons who simply don't fit those assumptions. There are many gay people who are monogamously partnered, church going, active and contributing members of our society.
On the other side, there are many in the gay community who have made negative assumptions about people who have a more conservative faith. However, there are conservative people who are compassionate, welcoming, and affirming, but who are often drowned out as a result of the minority of conservatives who continue to make assumptions.
Today, consider taking some time to reflect on others around you and ask yourself if you are making assumptions about them. And don't assume anything. The best solution is to begin to talk.
And don't worry about differences, as Anne Wilson Schaef put it, "Differences challenge assumptions."
Monday, July 05, 2010
Gratitude
William Arthur Ward is quoted as saying, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”
And so, I hope you will permit me the luxury of beginning this podcast with a communication of gratitude to everyone who has been such an instrumental part of the release of my recent book, "Over Coffee." The turn out for the debut was wonderful, and thank you to all of you who were unable to attend, but who forwarded you thoughts and encouragements. Thank you to my editors, reviewers, financial supporters, creative designers, and everyone who made the book and the release possible at long last.
Gratitude. Gratitude is one of those gifts that we often wish people would get around to sharing with us at times, isn't it? But that seems to rarely be the way of things.
The reality is that gratitude is often more about being proactive. Generally speaking, you can't just expect people to start being grateful for your work until you are grateful for theirs.
So today think about the things that people do for you that you may take for granted: the Barista who makes your coffee, the parking lot attendant, your boss who keeps you busy and employed, your employee who keeps your business going. Take a moment to tell them how much you appreciate what they do.
You know, one of the most remarkable things about gratitude? It doesn't really cost you anything at all but the result of seeing someone who knows their work is valuable is priceless.
And so, I hope you will permit me the luxury of beginning this podcast with a communication of gratitude to everyone who has been such an instrumental part of the release of my recent book, "Over Coffee." The turn out for the debut was wonderful, and thank you to all of you who were unable to attend, but who forwarded you thoughts and encouragements. Thank you to my editors, reviewers, financial supporters, creative designers, and everyone who made the book and the release possible at long last.
Gratitude. Gratitude is one of those gifts that we often wish people would get around to sharing with us at times, isn't it? But that seems to rarely be the way of things.
The reality is that gratitude is often more about being proactive. Generally speaking, you can't just expect people to start being grateful for your work until you are grateful for theirs.
So today think about the things that people do for you that you may take for granted: the Barista who makes your coffee, the parking lot attendant, your boss who keeps you busy and employed, your employee who keeps your business going. Take a moment to tell them how much you appreciate what they do.
You know, one of the most remarkable things about gratitude? It doesn't really cost you anything at all but the result of seeing someone who knows their work is valuable is priceless.
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